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September
27, 2004
Who Is
the I Am?
by Carol Hoenig
Unlike archeologists digging deep beneath the
deserts in the Middle East for credible proof that
the stories in the Bible were more than just that,
my exploration is less physical and more mental and
goes upward, far beyond into the blue heavens.
However, because I am still earthbound, my
resources are limited and somewhat single-minded.
Still, after having immersed myself in the ambiance
of Saint Patrick's Cathedral in Manhattan and other
less notable churches, I made it a point while
recently being in London to explore the
world-renown houses of worship, Westminster Abbey
and St. Paul's Cathedral.
To be surrounded by such glorious artifacts, I
couldn't help but think about beliefs, about the
faith each of us have. Or don't have. Of course,
these houses of worship are steeped in a history
that goes beyond people's religious faith, but
perhaps not beyond what they fervently believed.
Perhaps Mary, queen of Scots, can explain this
dichotomy better than I, when she said to her
jailer, Sir Amyas Paulent in 1586, "As a sinner, I
am truly conscious of having often offended my
Creator and I beg him to forgive me, but as a Queen
and Sovereign, I am aware of no fault or offence
for which I have to render account to anyone here
below."
The remains of Mary, queen of Scots, along with
other history makers, are buried in the depths of
these churches, which stirs a wonder in me. I don't
concern myself about the garments they wore or the
food they ate. No, I am far more inquisitive
wanting to know if the faith they'd practiced while
living brought these souls to where they believed
their final destination would be, or if it had been
some horrible, empty surprise when they arrived
elsewhere, if they'd arrived anywhere at all. I'm
not thinking so much about heaven, hell or any
place in between. No, it's more my curiosity about
their tete-a-tete meeting with their Creator and
less about where they have settled for eternity,
far from the reverent surroundings their bodies
were laid to rest. Did they discover their decreed
persecutions in the name of religion were
misguided, no matter how justified they thought
they were in defending their faith? Or, upon their
arrival did their Creator say, "Well done, thy good
and faithful servant?"
While spending time of solitude in these houses
of worship, I tried to remain very still and exhume
a modicum of the spirit represented on the
monument, to glean an understanding or even a hint
of some sort of answer. However, the only voices I
heard were those respectful whispers of the living
shuffling their way through the sanctuary. Any
unrealistic longing to hear a voice, small or
otherwise, from the other side telling me that the
gold and grandeur that built the place for
supplication are unimpressive to the maker was
indeed unmet. Because, even though the
craftsmanship and years upon years of confounding
and tedious toil to build the magnificent
structures in order to give praise to the God of
all ages stirred an amazement and fascination in
me, I wanted to confirm that God in His majestic
kingdom prefers simplicity and uncluttered
asceticism. That is to say, I want the one who
demands my belief, also ask nothing more from me
other than an uncomplicated faith -- a faith that
can accept those who do not believe, or even a
faith that does not need a quorum to be validated.
It is a difficult longing when my eyes looked up to
see mosaics of prophets and saints dedicated to a
time when religious persecution was prevalent, when
it is prevalent still today.
From the meticulous murals to the marble pillars
there is evidence in a passion to create a space in
an attempt to approach the unapproachable, to
worship the one who no man has seen and yet, every
man is left to seek in his or her own way. However,
far above the vaulted ceilings is where I have my
focus, my heart trained in hopes of getting an
answer, if not from the spirits who have passed on
but from the one who built the very foundations of
the heavens and earth. An arrogant thought, to be
sure.
So, I again return to thinking about the voices
from beyond that I emphatically long to hear and
wonder would they now be forgiving and contrite or
would their tones be harsh still, their manner
autocratic, their pious will unyielding?
Or, with their passing, have they finally heard
that one voice demanding, "Be still and know that I
am God"?
Carol
Hoenig has had a short story selected for the
anthology Drive, She Said and a "slice of
life" story selected for another anthology yet to
be published, entitled Wild Horses and Young
Stallions. Woman This Month, a
publication based out of Bahrain, has recently
acquired her essay, "Old Friends" and another essay
was published in Raw Story. Her short story,
"Monster Truck," was published by Pindeldyboz
publication. She has been published in the Long
Island Historical Journal, and for over a year
wrote a monthly book review column for Long
Island Voices. Besides writing essays and
commentaries, she is working on her third
novel.
This essay is copyright (c) 2004
by Carol Hoenig. Published here by permission of
the author.
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